McFly vs. Bueller

It was brought up on Twitter today by Maroon 5 Frontman, Adam Levine, the comparison of Marty McFly from Back to the Future and Ferris Bueller from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  While both movies have their merits and bring me back to a younger time, to me, it’s not much of a competition.  Let me show you why:

The protagonist:  Marty McFly was played by Michael J. Fox who has Parkinson’s and has done so much for the awareness of the disease as well as raising money for its cure.  Ferris, as played by Matthew Broderick, was in a musical about Hilter, another movie about testing on monkeys, AND….married a horse-face. Advantage: McFly.

Enemies:  Anyone who has an enemy like Biff Tanen who is trying to beat up your own FATHER has to nose out everyone else here.  Ferris ran through some back yards away from Rooney.  The implications of letting one’s enemy run amok in either of these films are: are your parents not being married and not having you and your siblings…or Saturday detention.  McFly took a car for his dad.  Advantage: McFly.

Musical  Prowess:  Marty jumped into Marvin Berry and the Starlighters when their guitarist was injured….even after Marty’s band, the Pinheads, auditioned to play the Under the Sea Dance, but didn’t make it.  That’s musicianship AND humility.  Ferris hijacked a microphone on a float and lip-synced “Twist and Shout”.  Bush League.  Advantage: McFly.

Sidekicks: Ferris had a hot broad, Sloan, by his side and Cameron, a lovable nerd with pretty dope fashion sense, if you ask me.  Alan Ruck, who played Cam, was from Cleveland, so you think I might lean towards Ferris here.  But you’re wrong.  Marty had Doc Emmett Brown, while goofy at times, an ingenious, creative, big-dreaming scientist that INVENTED TIME TRAVEL.  And he had a dog named Einstein?  Advantage: Mc-DUH.

Vehicles: Cameron’s Dad’s stolen Ferrari would undoubtedly be about as cool as it gets for street-legal shenanigans.  But where we’re going, WE DONT NEED ROADS.  A time-traveling DeLorean with suicide doors and a flux capacitor?  Shut the front door.  Advantage: DOUBLE DUH.

Producers:  Back to the Future was produced by Stephen Spielberg, one of the most renowned producers of all time with films under his belt such as Jaws, Schindler’s List, ET, and Saving Private Ryan, just to make a few.  Ferris Bueller’s Day off was produced by John Hughes, the most renowned producer of the 1980’s hands down, with Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Home Alone and Planes, Trains and Automobiles.  While I have to respect what Hughes did for the 80’s teenager and recording the fabric of the time when I grew up, “ALL TIME” is longer than the 80’s on every calendar ever.  Advantage: McFly.

Cameos and Future Jobs:  Several people went on from Back to the Future to other visible jobs.  Michael J Fox is an easy one with Family Ties, Teen Wolf, Spin City and more.  Crispin Glover was is several movies, Tom Wilson is a popular stand up comic, Lea Thompson went to star in Carolina in the City on television. And Huey Lewis?  Right on.  Ferris had Matthew Broderick was in Project X, Election, The Cable Guy and The Producers on Broadway.  Alan Ruck was on Spin City Mia Sara no one has heard from since (she DOES have a daughter with Jim Henson’s son, so that’s kinda cool), and beyond Dirty Dancing, the biggest job Jennifer Grey had was on her nose. Oh yeah, and Ben Stein and Charlie Sheen.  I’d have to give cameos to Bueller….but future impact on film, TV and entertainment?  Advantage: McFly.

Awards:  Future won the Academy Award for Sound Editing as well as BAFTAs and Golden Globes.  Bueller?  Bueller?  Bueller?  NADA.  Advantage: McFly.

Gross:  Back to the Future made $381 million gross.  Ferris made $70 million. Mo’ money, mo’ advantages: McFly.

One Word Reviews:  Bueller:  Hooky.  Future: TIME-TRAVEL.  Advantage: McFly.

As you can see, there really isn’t a competition.  Marty McFly was the man.  He saved lives in the movie and in real life from Parkinson’s, he can shred a guitar, he made a ton of money and TRAVELED THROUGH TIME.  Game, set, match: McFly.

If you disagree, I’d love to hear your arguments in the comments.

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Morning Gripes.

WTFFFFFFFFF.

This morning, I had a frustrating revelation.

Whoever invented coffee stirrers for the purpose of stirring coffee was a total dick.

Every morning, I stand in the breakroom and try to break up and evenly distribute my non-dairy creamer and Splenda with these ridiculous contraptions and I well up with frustration.  Never, for the life of me can I find a spoon or even a plastic knife.  Sometimes there is a pie cutter in the drawer by the coffee maker which is too wide to even fit in my mug.  Sometimes I think about using the handle of the pie cutter., but I resist.  It never fails, however; there is always a bouquet of janky, infuriating coffee stirrers taunting me from a styrofoam cup, ready to be used.

I just imagine this total douche with maybe one friend saying, “I have an idea!  Let’s roll up the tiniest piece of plastic into a thin straw and use it to stir coffee!”

Then I imagine his one friend saying, “Dude, just one thin straw?  That’s lame.  Make it a FIGURE 8 of plastic. DUH. Now play your Dungeons and Dragons card so we can finish this game, Babylon 5 is on in 15 minutes and I have to file my bunions still.”

Being as thirsty for knowledge as I am, I wanted to do some research to find out exactly what mentally-impaired jackwagon of a human at which I should direct my anger.  After some in-depth research (one Google search – so what), it seems as if the inventor has done a good job at going into hiding.  Maybe the death of Billy Mays and the inventors of Pajama Jeans have finally forced the Coffee Stirrer Douchecarrot Extraordinaire out of the limelight finally.  I could not find a name or a word of where these Devil’s instruments came from.  But then I found an answer that will satiate me for the time being.  Read it for yourselves.

Who invented to coffee stirrer?

You’re welcome.

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For my Lucky Day.

Uhhh….yeah.  Pretty much *HAD* to buy this.

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Honeymoonin’.

Lightweight, but still sexy too.

To lighten the mood and get me feeling positive today, I thought I would share a few items I have purchased for our honeymoon trip!

At first we’d joke about just needing a pair of flip-flops, a bikini and a pair of sunglasses for our trip.  But the more I think about it, the more excited I get about the different restaurants on board, the events, casino and more for which I will want to look fly.  Instead of a backpack with those items and a little skimpy lingerie for night time, I’m realizing I might need a bigger suitcase.

We are headed out of Charleston Harbor, March 18th.  The boat leaves at 5 pm and is headed to the Bahamas for five days.  And after this post, you can imagine that we cannot WAIT for the big day and to be able to slip on the flippie-floppies and sail towards the islands.

But of course, I have done my best to find a few less expensive, cute outfits to wear on the cruise.  I have to look the part, right?

First are some cute little dresses I found at Express.  I know. Big surprise with Express.  But when you get an employee’s discount, you take advantage.  This chiffon number is at the top of my list.  How simple and light and perfect for our trip.

I’ve also secured a few nice, bold jersey-knit tank dresses with a bit of a waist in them for just being comfortable around the boat.  For me, going on a cruise is all about being colorful….competing with the new foliage, flowers and cocktails.

Though I invested in some solid-colored base pieces, I am looking forward to upgrading them for night wear with some chunky jewelry, most likely from Charlotte Russe.  For 2 for $8 on necklaces, bracelets and earrings, you can’t go wrong…

Sexy times!

…and these awesome metallic sandals I got from Aldo.  Can’t beat clearance shoes!  These are called Elzie and also come in black.  I just already have so many black shoes (who doesn’t?) so I thought this fun light gold metallic would be great for spring and summer with the dresses I bought and other summery, light outfits like hot pants and capris.

Otherwise, I have tons of summer clothes.  I have 5-6 bathing suits and plenty of cover ups to run down to the pool.  I have a minimum of 12-15 pairs of flip flops from Roxy to Old Navy that are appropriate for putt-putt and our shore excursions.  I already live at the beach…its just a matter of having some beach time to ourselves…and looking good doing it!

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Top 5 Tips of the Day.

Mmm, NOM.

I know that you all wonder what I think about the world at large and come to me how to conduct yourself.  Well, here are a few pro tips about what you need to do to not be made fun of on my watch.  Follow these and I won’t stab you any time soon.

1. If you misspell loser as “looser”, you are one.  And maybe both.
2. If you are too lazy to fill out paperwork for your paycheck, you don’t deserve it.  I do.  I have to hunt you down and get your information.
3. I don’t like people who need to work out who don’t work out, telling me I need to work out.
4. Write legibly if you are writing for someone else to read something.  Or type it, for Jeebus sake.
5. Taking the trash out isn’t getting it out of the can, tying it up and putting it on the front porch where animals eat it in the middle of the night and  then there are wrappers and bones all over the porch and we look like Mexicans.

Any other tips I should add?  Leave them in the comments.

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I made it rain.

Happy Bachelorette Party - 2011.

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Music Monday.

I thought this was pretty awesome an appropriate for a Monday.  Enjoy!

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Haters Gon’ Hate.

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Why I Hate the Human Race.

OMG, TOTALLY.

This morning, after an unusually long trip into work consisting of a 45-minute unplanned sabbatical on the Crosstown (evidently no one has seen clouds before), I decided I deserved a stop at the local Starbucks for a quick latte to get my ornery, grumpy ass in a better mood.  I knew I couldn’t make it back from my local coffee shop that I normally patronize in time for work at 9, so I admittedly went the hipster route and got wearily in line behind the bespectacled graphic designers and legging-wearing anorexics for a quick shot of joe. While I waited in line, I saw there was $1 off of their new VIA product, the instant coffee.  I thought I’d give it a shot for a pick-me-up in my desk for long afternoons, so I grabbed a package of the caramel flavor.  I resumed waiting.

In front of me this morning, however, I was presented with a whole new excuse for a human being. A mix-match of warm, gray layered clothing I think was a failed barrier between me and her crazy.  She had definitely smoked her share of weed and posed naked (BARF) for MANY a college art major boyfriend.  Atop her wild eyes and manically gesturing body was a mop of Janis Joplin hair.  She requested the baristo have a sidebar with her about her decision.  She wasn’t sure how much what she wanted would cost because she “can’t afford all this fancy coffee everyday”. (Somehow it didn’t occur to her that she was in the opposite place on the whole planet to remedy this problem, but whatever.)  I gave the cashier my order and waited for her to define what magical concoction she was trying to mix up within her budget.  She wanted a venti cup with half regular coffee, a shot of espresso, the rest as 2% milk, one pump of mocha, 3 sugars and one Splenda….with extra thick foam.

With the inner fury of King Leonidas welling in my soul (THIS. IS. STARRRBBUCCCKKKSSS!!!), I kept my mouth shut and walked over to the pick-up station.  Would 3 sugars and 1 Splenda be too sweet?  How about 2 pumps of mocha versus one?  How much is a pump of flavor?  These were all questions that a) were completely retarded b) preventing me from getting my coffee and leaving and c) some of the details in the world that I could care less about. (This list includes what you had for lunch, the consistency of anyone’s poop, what happened at your tweetup about social media…and this bitch’s order.  Yeah, that’s about it.)

Finally the baristo was released from the annoying chains of this woman’s ridiculously complex order and able to do his job.  Crazy Face came down and stood next to me while we waited for our beverages.  She told me sometimes she doesn’t like hot milk.  (Add ONE MORE THING to my list of things I care nothing about.)  I nodded like a civil homo sapien confronted with mundane details.  She asked me what flavor VIAs I was getting.  I told her caramel.  Then came the icing on the cake.

“Ohmigod!  I buy those for my kids all the time!  They LOVE the vanilla and cinnamon ones…and they can make them themselves all the time!!!!!”

She gives her kids Starbucks coffee…to make for themselves.  “All the time.”

I could not make this up.  If her whole get-up and attitude and ordering shenanigans were not enough to thoroughly irritate everyone within a 10 mile radius, she also feeds her CHILDREN some of the most highly caffeinated, finest arabica beans sold at one of the most hoity-toitily branded stores on Earth.  ALL THE TIME.

First it was the Snuggie.  Now it’s people like this, who have nothing better to do than fabricate and INSIST upon 43 caveats on their cup of coffee in the morning.

I am convinced.  We have no further to advance as a race and need to throw in the towel.  Mark my words: We face a future of even more bored people enabled into preposterous options in the most pedestrian details of their lives by inventing even more lazy products and processes that we’ll all run like lemmings to.

“Uhm….yeah, excuse me? Yeahhh – this is THICK foam and I SPECIFICALLY asked for EXTRA THICK foam….?”

If this is what I can look forward to more of in the world, can someone pass the Kool-Aid and the Nikes?

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A nostril quandary.

This is my fiance. Photo taken last night.

For the last 13 days, I have been struggling with a cold.  Stuffy nostrils, interrupted sleep, boxes of Kleenex and a behind-the-counter Mucinex a day has been exhausting and all together annoying.  With one full time job, another part time job and doing websites and logos on the side, not to mention planning a wedding, I have no time to rest or to spend time by myself.  Here, after this description, you’d think I’d be the one in a terrible mood, snapping at coworkers and fussing at friends.  You’d understand if I was a gaping asshole to everyone I encountered. 

Nope.  

I’m tired, but I’m in good spirits, believe it or not.  So, high five for me. 

However, the plot thickens.  About 5-6 days into my cold, the SM caught it as well.  For the last week of my life, I can confidently say I have heard more whining, crabbing and jabs than I have in the last 3 years of our relationship.  He’s working hard too and I know it.  He’s putting in a lot of hours and has his own stresses in life with Q4 and the holidays at the doorstep.  But last night, as we went up to bed, he said, in a pathetic and defeated tone: “Well, that’s that.  No sleeping for ME tonight.”  

“Really?  Why?”, I responded in what I felt was a sympathetic tone. 

“I can’t BREATHE out of my NOSE.” 

“I’m sorry.  Did you take your medicine?  Did you try some of the nose spray?  That’s been working for me.” 

“Of COURSE I did!” overdramatic, labored sigh here.> 

“Maybe you can just watch some TV for a bit while you wait for it to work so you can sleep.  I’m just not sure what to tell you to try beyond what has worked for me. ” 

“I JUST WISH YOU’D BE SYMPATHETIC.” 

“I am, Todd. I have had this same cold as you for a week longer than you, but life goes on.  I gotta keep working and plugging along.  People get colds and stuffy noses, and what you describe to me sounds like how I feel….minus all the whining.” 

“I feel like I have unusually small nasal cavities.  There is so much PRESSURE in my sinuses…and when I blow my nose, NOTHING COMES OUT!” 

“Well sometimes, that happens.” 

“It’s like it’s SOLID because it won’t come out, but ITS LIQUID!” 

“Well, maybe you do have something different going on.  But in that case, you should go to the doctor.  But until you get checked for uniquely small sinus cavities, you have a cold.  And you’re being a baby.” 

“When am I supposed to go to the doctor?!” 

“I have no idea, Todd.  Urgent cares and stuff are open 24-7.  Go tomorrow.  If over the counter medicine isn’t working, maybe you DO have something else…that I can’t help with.” 

“I can’t tomorrow, my BOSS is coming to visit!” 

“OK, then go after work.  Or Saturday.  Or whenever the f#$% you want.  I don’t care.  You just want to whine and suffer, so I’m going to bed.” 

After that conversation and the SM’s efforts to make me feel guilty for being so callous and unsympathetic towards his “uniquely miserable condition”, I brushed my teeth, laid down, flipped over and was done with it.  He grabbed his pillow and went downstairs in a huff.  

Almost immediately, my right nostril stuffed up.  And I went right to sleep.

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