So I haven’t written since I’ve been technically, really, legally single. Sorry about that. As you can imagine, there’s been a lot on my mind, a lot to focus on…and one wasn’t this blog. I hope to be able to share more here as I can….as it comes to me. I have a few ideas for blog posts.
On my mind today? What I’m tired of.
Yeah, I’m PMSy. Yeah, I’ve been through a lot. And yeah, homegirl’s gonna talk about it. Let me preface this all by saying that I might make a few generalizations here – there are exceptions to every rule. Just hear me out.
I am inundated everyday with guys…..and friend’s guys……and friends of friends’ of guys who some how got this notion in their thick, pretty heads that they can be arrogant, narcissistic, selfish idiots who make terrible, self-serving decisions and all of us girls should be OK with it.
I am DONE with:
- half truths
- playing the victim/self-pity
- guys falling off the face of the earth because a female has feelings or opinions and want to talk about them out loud to another human
- “you’re so awesome…..it’s not you, it’s me”/”You deserve better than me”
- the notion that your girl won’t know you’re cheating/lying
- the notion that girls are naive and stupid
- the notion that girls are that are so weak that we have to have a guy to make us feel worthwhile
Here’s how it is: We’re strong. We’re independent. We’re smarter than you give us credit for. We KNOW it’s YOU. Your sorry ass (or educated, thoughtful) choices made your station in life. If you’re a victim, its falling prey to your own selfish, self-preserving, conscious decisions. We all have feelings….not something to invalidate and ignore. They don’t go away. We aren’t going to be OK barefoot in the kitchen and be at your beck and call and never disagree with you. Vulnerability and sharing is a STRENGTH…and when you put up walls and laugh about being hurtful and choose careless actions, we KNOW it’s an excuse, a manipulation and an easy way out. We can handle the truth. We prefer the truth. We DESERVE the truth.
The reason there are relationships and just not a free-for-all, 100% transactional mating extravaganza with the human race is because of women. It’s biological. Men spread their seed. Women are nurturers. Why God thought it was a good idea for us all to get together is beyond me, but somehow we all post up at bars and on online dating sites and the melon area of the produce section to try to find someone that will complete us. Sorry to break it to you – No one ever will. Perfect completion shouldn’t be the goal because perfection isn’t possible….short of what God can do (and maybe Brad Pitt’s ass in “Troy”. Dayummmm). The only thing we can even HOPE for when we’re trying to co-habitate with a stranger is honesty, vulnerability and patience. Which guys don’t have much of….and women have TOO much of.
Now THAT’S a social thing. Men are looked at as whipped or effeminate if they share their feelings freely. Women are QUICK to be labeled bitches if they have vocalized, well-articulated opinions different from men’s.
BUT GUYS – I have a legitimate question for you: Think of Lou Gehrig when he announced to the world that he couldn’t play baseball anymore due to ALS. His career, his dream and essentially his life was over. If Back To The Future is more your thing, think about what Michael J. Fox had to admit and open up about when he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. Same with Robert Downey Jr. who has been incredibly candid about his drug abuse and recovery.
Do you consider these men huge p&#@$es?
Are they wussy idiots because they were candid and forthcoming with their struggles?
Are they weak, sorry LOSERS?
If you have any brain left in your thick, pretty skull then you know that QUITE the opposite is considered of these men. They have built foundations and raised more money for diseases and causes than you and I may ever see. They have heightened awareness of serious issues facing regular people everyday. They are living PROOF of the human spirit’s capacity to overcome literally DEADLY obstacles to be happy, successful and inspiring.
They were vulnerable at the most difficult times in their lives. And they were and are respected and loved.
So meanwhile, you…..in the midst of your well-furnished pity party….YOU want to not return texts or calls when a girl shares her feelings to a level that made you uncomfortable…..or you want to bail when there is upheaval in your life…..or you want to cheat when you’re life is just SO MISERABLE with who you’re with, despite the commitment you made to them both in front of God and the law.
God FORBID you humble yourself to the fact that no one is perfect, everyone has baggage and we all just want to feel loved and validated….but love and validation isn’t given, it’s earned. And nothing good and LASTING is easy.
Really…it’s pretty simple when you break it down:
Quit getting defensive, we know it’s a cover.
Quit lying, we know it’s self-preservation.
Quit putting walls up, we know it’s fear.
Quit playing the victim, we aren’t babysitters.
Quit feeding us excuses, we’re smarter than that.
Quit with “keeping a line in the water”, we deserve better.
Quit making us an option, we should be a priority if you choose, consciously, to invite us into your life.
We aren’t meat, we aren’t a daycare, we aren’t a ego boost, we aren’t a convenience, we aren’t arm candy, we aren’t therapists or doctors or robots or housekeepers or c@m dumpsters.
We’re a mirror; a direct reflection of how you treat us is how you see yourself and what kind of man you are. The level of depth, the superficiality of our relationships, the respect (or lack there of) you show us is categorically derivative of your inner monologue.
We’re on to you. One accepts the precedent you set…so in turn, we’re raising the bar.
Now there are going to be guys out there who can’t believe I’m spouting such heresy. I’m a great guy…and I’m so thoughtful…and on and on. And I’m sure there are guys who “get it”. But I haven’t come in contact with ONE in the last 9 months….or 10 years for that matter. Sorry. Y’all been suckin’.
I am the first to say that I’m screwed up and sensitive. And, with my hand on the Bible, I promise I’m gonna emote more than you’re going to be comfortable with at some point. I have this treasured, magical, elusive thing called a VAGINA that I was born with that pretty healthily dictates that I am going to have some feelings eventually. Yeah, I know…breaking news, right? As they say with feelings and farts, there is more space outside than inside. And I am OK with that. But I’m not OK with being a convenience or the other woman or a robot with no feelings. I’m human.
I’ve had people keep important stuff from me that was incredibly hurtful.
I’ve had people email me about how great I am but it’d never work because I deserved better.
I’ve gotten Facebook messages saying “we should f@#$” or, if i was REAL “lucky”, just a picture of a gentleman’s “cash and prizes”. (More than once. Seriously.)
I’ve had to bail people out of JAIL because of their irresponsibility.
I’ve had people spend a LOT of money on me to get me drunk enough to consider sleeping with them.
I’ve had someone’s mother tell me I was a bad person because I stole her son (her words) and he verbally backed his mother.
I’ve had a divorce over someone who went on ahead and got another girl pregnant before we had filled out one shred of paperwork.
There is literally NOT a person on Earth right now that is going to convince me that I need to worry about finding the right guy and sacrificing myself and compromising to fit into a relationship right now. I feel used and lied to and flabbergasted and exhausted. As much as I want to give to someone, and as badly as I want to have a true partner to share time with, there is NO ONE I’m willing budge an INCH with when it comes how I deserve to be treated and respected. I’m not your side bitch. I’m a full time bitch….I am not working these mental hours for a part time salary of being on call on your whim. And girls, neither should you.
Love yourself….it’s the best company most of the time anyways. Take back what we deserve!