I’ve gotten a lot of work.  I’m making a solid living for one person, considering all we have been through in the last few months.  But for the life of him, the SM cannot find a job.  It’s a hard time in retail since it’s fourth quarter and most places have their staff in tact.  He thought about being a personal trainer long and hard, but at this point, he keeps telling himself he can’t do it; that he doesn’t have the self confidence and he isn’t smart enough to do it.  Despite my efforts at being supportive and non-judgmental and offering to help with everything I can, his lack of self-confidence is too much too overcome.  He sits in the room we’re occupying right now all day long, reading books or playing games on his phone. He sleeps until noon, comes to be sometime after 3 am every morning.  I have no husband.  I have a handsome shell of someone I knew before….but it feels like nothing is left inside.

No matter what I say or do, he doesn’t hear it or take it to heart.  He doesn’t believe, after years of being slapped in the face personally and professionally, that he deserves success or happiness. He believes that for every good thing that happens to him, he has to pay the price in some tragic way that outweighs the good.  He has made this unrealistic connection between tragedy in his life and the blessings that he cannot get away from.  It doesn’t matter what anyone else has gone through, survived through or rose above.  He has committed himself, mentally to a life sentence of less-than.

To each their own, for the rest of the world.  If they can live in an existence that is less than what they can achieve and go on and not ever push the boundaries of where they think they can go, fine.  But this is not OK for  someone who so clearly directs the future success of our household.  For him to settle for a job he hates and come home everyday, regretful, miserable and absent from our home life is not acceptable.

I don’t know what to do.  He has given up and makes no qualms about it by telling me almost everyday how miserable he is and how he’ll never amount to anything.  No matter what I say, the results are hte same.  Sleeping until noon, absent from conversation.  Absorbed in his own microscopic, sad world.

I am exhausted.  I’m frustrated and sad.  His attitude is a cancer that has infected our relationship. When people ask how married life is, I truly can’t give a good answer.  Certainly this is not it.  Certainly we both deserve better.  Certainly it has to go up from here, right?

I pray every single night (and sometimes during the day).  I pray that anything will light a fire in his heart to try again.  I pray that the right job will come along, in whatever field is meant to be, that will make him content on his career path.  I pray for patience and any words or actions that I haven’t thought of yet to be the inspiration and example he needs, showing him that optimism, hard work, persistence and dedication can pay off.

Until then…pray for me.

Check out @pashcreative on Twitter and Pash Creative on Facebook.

And more news will come via there and other avenues.  Stay tuned.

I just don’t know anymore.  I read a quote the other day that got me thinking about this: “They say the more you understand what inspires you, the more readily you can put yourself in it’s path.”

The issue is that I am finding a lot inspirational right now, but I’m exhausted with trying to get ready to move back to Charleston and part of me just can’t decide which direction to go.  I guess it’s good that I have too much inspiration and people around me stirring my soul, but there is also a loud clamoring of all of those ideas that I can’t hear my own voice over.

First things first, I have to get organized this weekend with our moving plans; get more boxes and tape and get more things locked down.  Once I have a solid plan there, I will be able to think of other things.  Second, I have to start thinking more about what I need to do for a living – SERIOUSLY.  I have been applying to things here and there, letting people know what I’m capable of and acquiring clients sporadically.  But sporadic work does not a living make.

But beyond the professional realm, I need to make a good list of things I want to accomplish personally too.  I want to learn Gaelic.  I want to visit Ireland.  I want to run a 5K (actually run the whole thing…not walk). I want to make healthier, more fun decisions…and make a difference in someone’s life.  I want to get back in touch with the Man Upstairs.  I want to actually be content with who I am consistently, like who I’m becoming and live regret-free.

I don’t really have regrets now…and I’m not unhappy.  I just feel like there is another level of accomplishment I haven’t quite reached yet that I know is just outside of my current grasp.  I need to be an inspiration to someone else.  I just have to take the time to sit down and map it out, with purpose.  I need to act and react with purpose.  I need to exist with purpose.  I need to choose, live, love and work with purpose. Starting now.

We’re asking for a do-over.  Life is too short to not be happy…or at least making the right decisions to be happy.

Upon this decision, the SM decided to go ahead and quit his job.  He couldn’t be there anymore and I support him 100 percent.  But of course, these are the final days of not scraping and  begging for bills.

But that means that we cannot move into the house we want to.  We went down to Charleston last weekend to see what was available and what we could afford.  There are plenty of places, but the latter part was the problem.  We have finagled and tweaked and cajoled to get down as low as we could on a place we both really liked with security deposits, pet fees and more.  We have to figure out something so we can get back to town, get our business started and live our dreams, on our terms.

We just don’t really have any idea how we’re gonna do it.

We don’t have money.  We don’t have much to offer.   But we cannot live unhappily ever after.

We’ll make it through. We’ve been through a lot and this is just one more obstacle to our happiness.  We have to make smart decisions and get back where we love.  We may be eating ramen for a while….but we’re tired.  We’re broke down and frustrated.  And now, we have no choice but to make it happen.

Love can’t pay the bills, but sometimes, it’s the only thing that keeps life tolerable.

The SM’s grandmother, Elizabeth, is 94 and has been through a lot.  Not to mention the end of one world war and the duration of another, the Great Depression and more, over the last few years she has had a few falls and trips to the hospital.  However, this time looks to be the last.

We received a call at the end of last week saying that she had been admitted to the hospital.  They (our family in Ohio) were under the impression she might have had a minor stroke.  She was held for testing and observation.  Over time her condition got worse and escalated to what they determined to be Leukemia.  As of 2 nights ago, she was admitted into hospice in an effort, at this point, just to keep her comfortable.

The SM talks at least once or twice a day with his family back home in Ohio.  Some days are better than others.  Some days she is more lucid and communicative and others, she rests.  This morning, we decided we would make our trek to Ohio on Monday morning to be with his family and see this through.  The SM’s heart breaks because he can’t be there as quickly as he’d like and my heart breaks for him.  No matter what we might go through within our own relationship here and there, there isn’t anyone I love more and want to see hurt less.

In my 31 years, I have watched 3 of my grandparents pass, parents of friends go to their next chapter and acquaintances’ hearts weep with loss….and I can say confidently that I have no idea how to mourn or to help people mourn.  There is nothing you can say to fill the void they feel, the loneliness swallowing them or the anger that burns.  To this day, when the mood strikes me, I’ll cry over one of my grandparents’ passing like it was yesterday.  I’ll have a dream of my Grandma and I playing the piano again and I wake to tears streaming down my face.  I pray everyday that I have the patience and kind heart of my Granny.  And as silly as it sounds, whenever I eat barbeque, it pales in comparison to my Grandpa’s, and always will.

I only wish the SM could have met my grandparents as well.  My grandma would have had SUCH a crush on him!  But mine were taken in February of 2000, November of 2000 and March of 2003.

The only grandparent I never met was my dad’s father, who died of Leukemia on Father’s Day of 1966…..and now Leukemia is taking another that i only got to know for 4 years….but a matriarch that the SM’s family has clung to, loved and looked to for 94 years.  A strong, incredible woman who will undoubtedly leave an impression on me for another 94, if I am lucky to last that long.

Even after 94 years, sitting in this chair, I have to say that life is still too short.  But we are all blessed to have the people we do in our lives, for as long as we can have them…so it’s not a matter of life being fair.  The timeline was here well before us and will continue after us….and how much we get isn’t up to us.  It’s what we do with the time that we’re given that makes the difference.  The only thing that makes is feel anything closer to living our lives to the fullest, with the most life in our years is by taking advantage of each day.  And we don’t.  It’s human nature.  All the superficial bullshit is what is important too often.  Right now, I don’t care about my Coach bag or my Express clothes or where I live or what I make.  I just want to hug somebody I love.

I’m just sad. I’m sad for the SM, I’m sad for his family…and me too.  I’m sad because I miss my family members who have passed.  I’m sad we all don’t make more of each day; I’m sad we don’t really know how to.

I guess we can just try and hope that it adds up.  I know that I am happy to have my soulmate and best friend in my life…and to have been welcomed to generously into their family.  I’m lucky to have my own big family and another big family so we can prop each other up through times like these.  As alone as we all feel sometimes, Billy Joel said it best when he said “they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it’s better than drinking alone.”  Ain’t that the truth.

Apologies for the stream of consciousness.  I just don’t really have anyone to talk about this stuff with right now.  SM’s at work, his family is bedside and resting in shifts and I don’t want to burden anyone else really out there actively with my pitiful blathering.  I just couldn’t keep it inside.  I don’t really give a shit if someone thinks right now that blogging and sharing feelings is all passive-aggressive or whatever.  It’s cathartic.  Don’t read it if you don’t like it.  It’s pretty simple.  We all have choices.  I just hope your choice is to go, hug someone you love and live your day to the fullest.  At 4 or 94, life is never long enough so hold on.

My heart hurts.  I’m lonely here in Columbia.  And It’s getting harder to take it.

I love my job.  I work with nice people who give me a lot of creative license.  But I’ve really never felt so capable at work, and so incapable at home.

What do you do when the person you live with has no hope or desire to look for hope in the future?  The SM’s job is not going well.  It’s getting better, but not THAT much better.  He is consumed with the reality that its never going to change, he is good at nothing else and that his skill set cannot be used in any other way.  He has condemned himself to a reality that will never change and never be satisfying…and he doesn’t seem to care.

He has done so well in the past to compartmentalize what he is going through, personally and professionally, and unfortunately for him, he is married to me.  The master of the mess with no capacity whatsoever to compartmentalize my life.  Proof?  I am blogging on the clock. (No worries, I am multitasking.)  However, the older he gets, the less capacity he has to compartmentalize.  Sickness and worry flow into our home life and the frustration he feels is released on me and the pups.

It would be one thing if he was content working for the man, breaking his back doing the same thing day in and day out and the stress was left at work.  In an older generation, many people were content with that.  If once he left the store, he resigned himself to the fact that nothing more could be done that day and he could enjoy his home life, there wouldn’t be a problem.  Instead, he’s exhausted, constantly sick and up all hours worrying and thinking.  All we talk about is how hard it is and the stress level he is under.  He never works out or takes care of himself.  When he is there, he worries and when he is not there, he worries even more.  He can’t enjoy days off because he is thinking…or sick or sleeping.  We visit friends for the weekend or an event and he is too tired to enjoy it or already thinking about what he needs to accomplish the next day.  And beyond that, there is the overhanging umbrella that he “knows” it will never change, its not a phase and he will be condemned to this many hours, this much responsibility and stress the rest of his life.

I knew a new floor set was going on last night and he wanted to get there early this morning to see how it was going and what all got accomplished – - to the point that he would barely engage in conversation at our friends’.  In the car ride home from their house last night, I started asking about his job.  I had a captive audience with no chance for retreat so I asked some hard questions.  What does he like?  What doesn’t he like?  Where are the challenges here that are the hardest to work through?  Knowing his skills and what he LIKES to do, what would be his dream job?  I was just hoping maybe we could brainstorm something that could get him more positive where he was or get him thinking that the world is big and he isn’t chained to any one thing.

The reality is that he is BRILLIANT in business and has so much experience that it’s incredible the solutions he can come up with to manage people and manage a business operationally.  It is nothing short of amazing what he has done to broken stores and broken associates who others thought were lost causes.

The OTHER reality is, he never thinks about that stuff.  He has managed people from his first job out of college as an operations manager at Sears..and has done just about the same type of job since he was 19.  He makes little effort to learn beyond what his current job description is or think, “OK, this is my comfort zone and the pigeon hole I’ve been in…but it’s not fulfilling anymore.  What COULD I do that is similar, but not as stressful and for so many hours?”  If anything, he is just waiting for someone to promote him…without thinking, “Screw that…how can I promote myself?”

His response, “I think I have a unique skill set, but it’s so unique that it can’t he used anywhere else…so it is what it is.  I am stuck here and I will never move up.  I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

We sat the last 45 minutes of the car ride in complete silence because I was, in a way, devastated.  The person I chose to live my life with and care for through better and worst for the rest of my time on this earth is completely devoid of hope, passion or confidence.  To me, everyday without hope isn’t one worth living…and I got to thinking how truly miserable and helpless he must feel.  He puts a lot of his self-worth on how work goes…and it hasn’t been going well.

Then I started getting angry.  I have been in the position where I hated my job or different parts of my life, where I was in therapy and on drugs just to convince myself I wasn’t a failure and this education was all for naught.  I knew something was wrong and I kept trying different things to fix it.  Its not that I couldn’t sympathize, obviously….but the fact that he is 100% OK with the fact that he is going to be miserable, sick and exhausted the rest of his life and he couldn’t give less of a shit if it affects me or not.  All I was doing was caring about whether or not he is happy and trying to help him realize that life is too short to be miserable. Additionally, it’s too short to be miserable about work when he has a new wife and a home life that can be very fulfilling as well.

He spends a lot of time at work, as we all do.  If I am going to spend that kind of time somewhere, it is going to be doing something that I am passionate about and see value in…and that gives me self-worth instead of tearing me down. When I didn’t feel that way, I looked for another job in another industry.  Maybe it was the industry…maybe the people…but everyone needs someone devoted to get people talking about their brand.  Just like everyone needs someone who can manage and coach their employees to work hard to create or sell their product.  Every single company ever needs what both of us are incredibly talented and blessed to do.

Last night I left it with this: The most heartbreaking thing is that he stays in his life with no faith or hope that anything could get better.  I am sad and angry that he has no hope for anything.  He doesn’t care that I care because he is so consumed with this hopelessness and helplessness that nothing else exists.  It makes no difference what anyone else thinks or does because his definitions of “failure” and success” are what they are and there is no way that any other definition could possibly be considered.  He tells me to shut up and not talk about it.  And in the meantime, I am supposed to stick around, and still be positive and happy and go on living my life while my husband and soul mate is miserable, and sick and completely removed from our fucking home life?  I should be OK with that?  Is that how marriage works?  Should I settle for another definition of “success” in my personal life?

He won’t go to therapy, he won’t take drugs.  He won’t talk about what he’s going through, or consider anyone else’s point of view.  “It is what it is” might be the biggest load of invalidating bullshit that anyone had ever fed anyone.  Sure, there are elements of life that are what they are.  We live in Columbia now.  OK.  But shouldn’t we try to make it as enjoyable as we can?  No, we don’t have a lot of friends here, its hard to keep moving to new places and having to learn to know and trust people again…and we don’t know our way around.  But can we click with some people and try to make this “home” as long as we are here?

YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE.  Every single day, every single hour, every single minute.  Some things come and go that you don’t have control over….but a majority of the time, you AREN’T just a leaf on a breeze or a bullet out of a gun. Maybe you didn’t manufacture the gun, but its your itchy finger on the trigger.  YOU CHOOSE.  You can be a victim or a fighter.  You can be hopeful or hopeless.  You can think you can grow and learn or you can resign your life away.

Which would you regret more?  Putting your neck out there to learn and meet new people and at least have MOMENTS of promise (and maybe a few of hurt)? Or living in so much fear of rejection and change that you GUARANTEE you’re NEVER HAPPY or PROUD?  Please consider what the latter will do to your coworkers, your loved ones and YOU.  I wish he would.

The protagonist:  Marty McFly was played by Michael J. Fox who has Parkinson’s and has done so much for the awareness of the disease as well as raising money for its cure.  Ferris, as played by Matthew Broderick, was in a musical about Hilter, another movie about testing on monkeys, AND….married a horse-face. Advantage: McFly.

Enemies:  Anyone who has an enemy like Biff Tanen who is trying to beat up your own FATHER has to nose out everyone else here.  Ferris ran through some back yards away from Rooney.  The implications of letting one’s enemy run amok in either of these films are: are your parents not being married and not having you and your siblings…or Saturday detention.  McFly took a car for his dad.  Advantage: McFly.

Musical  Prowess:  Marty jumped into Marvin Berry and the Starlighters when their guitarist was injured….even after Marty’s band, the Pinheads, auditioned to play the Under the Sea Dance, but didn’t make it.  That’s musicianship AND humility.  Ferris hijacked a microphone on a float and lip-synced “Twist and Shout”.  Bush League.  Advantage: McFly.

Sidekicks: Ferris had a hot broad, Sloan, by his side and Cameron, a lovable nerd with pretty dope fashion sense, if you ask me.  Alan Ruck, who played Cam, was from Cleveland, so you think I might lean towards Ferris here.  But you’re wrong.  Marty had Doc Emmett Brown, while goofy at times, an ingenious, creative, big-dreaming scientist that INVENTED TIME TRAVEL.  And he had a dog named Einstein?  Advantage: Mc-DUH.

Vehicles: Cameron’s Dad’s stolen Ferrari would undoubtedly be about as cool as it gets for street-legal shenanigans.  But where we’re going, WE DONT NEED ROADS.  A time-traveling DeLorean with suicide doors and a flux capacitor?  Shut the front door.  Advantage: DOUBLE DUH.

Producers:  Back to the Future was produced by Stephen Spielberg, one of the most renowned producers of all time with films under his belt such as Jaws, Schindler’s List, ET, and Saving Private Ryan, just to make a few.  Ferris Bueller’s Day off was produced by John Hughes, the most renowned producer of the 1980′s hands down, with Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Home Alone and Planes, Trains and Automobiles.  While I have to respect what Hughes did for the 80′s teenager and recording the fabric of the time when I grew up, “ALL TIME” is longer than the 80′s on every calendar ever.  Advantage: McFly.

Cameos and Future Jobs:  Several people went on from Back to the Future to other visible jobs.  Michael J Fox is an easy one with Family Ties, Teen Wolf, Spin City and more.  Crispin Glover was is several movies, Tom Wilson is a popular stand up comic, Lea Thompson went to star in Carolina in the City on television. And Huey Lewis?  Right on.  Ferris had Matthew Broderick was in Project X, Election, The Cable Guy and The Producers on Broadway.  Alan Ruck was on Spin City Mia Sara no one has heard from since (she DOES have a daughter with Jim Henson’s son, so that’s kinda cool), and beyond Dirty Dancing, the biggest job Jennifer Grey had was on her nose. Oh yeah, and Ben Stein and Charlie Sheen.  I’d have to give cameos to Bueller….but future impact on film, TV and entertainment?  Advantage: McFly.

Awards:  Future won the Academy Award for Sound Editing as well as BAFTAs and Golden Globes.  Bueller?  Bueller?  Bueller?  NADA.  Advantage: McFly.

Gross:  Back to the Future made $381 million gross.  Ferris made $70 million. Mo’ money, mo’ advantages: McFly.

One Word Reviews:  Bueller:  Hooky.  Future: TIME-TRAVEL.  Advantage: McFly.

As you can see, there really isn’t a competition.  Marty McFly was the man.  He saved lives in the movie and in real life from Parkinson’s, he can shred a guitar, he made a ton of money and TRAVELED THROUGH TIME.  Game, set, match: McFly.

If you disagree, I’d love to hear your arguments in the comments.

Regardless.  God bless our troops, the lives that have been lost and America.

Additional Links:

Al Qaeda Jerks still out there:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-south-asia-11489337

Newseum looking bawse: http://www.newseum.org/todaysfrontpages/hr.asp?fpVname=NY_DN&ref_pge=lst

And a nice LOL:  http://yfrog.com/h86u1dlj

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT:
AshPash
100 None-Of-Your-Biz Road
Columbia, SC 29212
843.###.####
http://www.hireme.com/
ashleigh@hireme.com

Pash Hired as Marketing Director Revolutionizes Mortgage Industry

COLUMBIA, SC – May 27, 2011 – In April of 2011, ABCD Mortgage of Columbia developed the need for a Marketing Director and put out an open call for all well-qualified candidates to apply.  This is how the company hired marketing maven Ashleigh Pash.  From then on, marketing in the mortgage game forever changed.

Avery Nicelady, Director of Human Resources, met first with the applicants to disseminate the objectives of the position and consolidate the choices.  When President and CEO Avery Nicedude met AshPash in her second interview, he was impressed by her experience, but did not know how she would impact his company…or the mortgage industry as a whole.  Nicedude had the final say in who is brought on to his team and in the interview with Pash knew she was the right selection. “With her experience, we could not pass her up.  In her first month on the job, she has multiplied our business, improved team morale and revolutionized the way the mortgage industry uses the internet for marketing.  We couldn’t afford not to have hired her.”

Pash came from a long career in marketing and web content management at world renowned organizations such as the Cleveland Browns, Clear Channel Communications and Infinity Broadcasting and was eager to bring her expertise to the mortgage industry. “It is a pleasure to work with such professionals.  I am humbled to be able to contribute the ideas and fresh eyes I can bring from less conventional media to such an established industry.  I only hope to grow the business even more in my second thirty days.”

For more information:
http://www.hireme.com/
ashleigh@hireme.com
843.###.####

ABCD Mortgage is a long-standing mortgage lending firm based in Columbia, SC, serving the lending needs of real estate professionals, builders and homebuyers throughout the state of South Carolina.  ABCD has an experienced staff offering expertise in every area of mortgage lending, from purchase to refinance to construction lending.  With access to various mortgage resources, their lending specialists are dedicated to finding the best rates, terms and costs for each of their clients’ needs.

# # #

Get ready for the rollercoaster ride.

It started off the my mom and dad and the SM and I went to somewhere in Ohio that looked a lot more like the French Quarter in New Orleans; tons of bars and restaurants.  I couldn’t believe this area had changed so much since I had moved away.  The only thing that remained from when I lived there, and the only thing that really was from Ohio, was Stancato’s Italian restaurant.

I told the SM I was going to explore and I walked off for a while and I ended up on the Pacific Coast Highway, where in my dream I had heard was a block from Charlie Sheen’s house (and a few blocks from Ohio, or New Orleans, I guess). With how he has been, I figured he’d let me right in.  So I walked the block, rang the doorbell and there he was, having a party with a whole bunch of people, one of which was my friend Marlene from high school who I haven’t seen in at least 8-10 years.   We went out in his huge backyard that had a pond, and lots of big trees.  It was actually really nice.  No one was using drugs or drinking, everyone was just sitting around having a nice time.  People were dressed like regular people just hanging out…and then there were warlock ninja assassins pretending fighting with swords, all knocked out in their black robes and facemasks.  And the kicker?  Charlie had pet squirrels that had little saddles on them that were frolicking in the trees. So rad.  I knew I was in a strange place, but I didn’t feel in danger or anything at all; he was just giving me the tour.  Meanwhile, camera crews were all around and cameras were mounted all over the house to be broadcasting this on a website.  I wanted to tweet it out that I was at the Sheen Compound, but I was too overwhelmed by all the craziness.

At some point, we all went back inside and we were just all hanging out, watching TV.  Charlie left the room and brings back presents for all of us because it was Easter.  He brought me a whole bunch of Easter candy in a present bag.  His whole vibe was very eccentric, but never threatening or mean.  He gave me the biggest bag of candy because I was happy that I had stopped by.  Wow, all right.

It was getting dark, so I took my bag of candy and I said goodbye to everyone.  The sun was setting on the Pacific Coast Highway and I started making my way back to where I had left my parents and the SM. I realized part of the way back that I had forgotten my keys at Charlie’s.  It was still light out, so I turned back around and rushed back to grab them.  On my way, I ran into Lindsay Lohan who was also on her way to Charlie’s.  I told her I’d walk with her.  (As much of a trainwreck as she is, who wouldn’t want a 10 minute walk to pick her brain?)  When we got there, Charlie let us both back in but began talking really inappropriately to Lindsay. Like how he used to fantasize about her when she was underage and stuff.  She had recently cut her hair really short in my dream and he kept saying he’d call her “his little boy” when they’d have sex.  Just really wrong stuff.

Now I hate Lindsay Lohan and think she is a worthless lump of flesh using my oxygen as much as the next person, but no one deserves to be talked to that way.  She is disturbed enough.  I frantically looked for my keys at this point.  As I searched around the house, Charlie started to physically assault her as the party guests looked on.  He started to push her around and over her mouth with his hand.  At this point, I said screw the keys and bolted.  Clearly there was some sort of cult mindset at this house and I was not OK where it was going.  They WERE high on the drug called Sheen and I was getting a total Manson Family vibe.  Big time.

It was getting progressively darker at which point I turned my walk into a rushed walk/jog, and blisters began to form on my feet.  I realized I didn’t know where I was…I had missed a turn somewhere, so I pulled my Blackberry out of my pocket to use its GPS and started looking for an address on the buildings around me.  When I looked up, I was at that gas station on Calhoun and Ashley in downtown Charleston, right before the overpass into West Ashley.  Then I woke up.

Thank GOD.